Stepping Out: Advice for the Polyamorous, Nonmonogamous, and Just Plain Curious

Why Learn Nonmonogamy Skills?

In this ongoing advice column, I will be using my experience as a polyamory educator and activist in order to answer your thorniest questions about nonmonogamy of all sorts, with a focus on kink. Send your questions to peppermint@kink-e-zine.com.

A funny thing happened to me at a munch five years ago. After meeting some poly people, someone at the table asked, "Wait—so who here is poly and who is monogamous?". While some folks (notably, the poly ones) at the table had definitive answers, most people ended up with strange reactions to the question. There were some folks who said they were monogamous, but then when pressed admitted they wanted to be able to set up arrangements where they could play with others. A bunch of people were not sure. Some were uncomfortable with the question.

While there are plenty of kinky monogamous folks out there, it seems that something about kink makes people desire nonmonogamy of various sorts, whether that shows up as leather families, play-with-others-but-no-sex rules, open relationships, or full-on multiple relationships. Maybe it is just because we are already outside of mainstream norms regarding sexuality, but many people seem to assume that they are entitled to some sort of nonmonogamy along with their kinky activities.

But while we have lots of workshops in the community on throwing a flogger or running a D/s relationship, workshops that address nonmonogamy skills seem to be relatively rare. It is hard to find presentations or books on handling jealousy, or negotiating good nonmonogamy boundaries, or managing secondary relationships. These are actual skills, and most people have to go through a learning process (typically measured in years) before they can handle nonmonogamy well.

Indeed, there seems to be this general attitude that because we are kinky, this whole nonmonogamy thing should just come naturally to us. And while some people are actually naturals, most are not. Still, people seem to jump in with both feet and just assume they can swim. Much like vanilla folks, kinky folks greatly underestimate how completely society conditions us to be monogamous, and how many roadblocks they will face when trying to be open. On top of that, kinky folks are much more likely than most to desire some kind of nonmonogamy.

The result of this is that our communities are littered with the detritus of relationships that could not handle the stress of being open. I see this everywhere I go, both online and in local groups. "No sex" rules that fail to specify exactly what counts as sex. Dominants who incorrectly assume that a D/s dynamic means they are entitled to other lovers and that their submissives will automatically be able to handle it. Submissives who are surprised when they get jealous, or when they want multiple partners. Couples that struggle with opening their relationship for years on end. Leather families that crumble and then re-form only to crumble again. Porn actors or pro dommes who have difficulty reconciling their work with relationships. People unable to find a second relationship, or to hold on to it once they have it. Straight-up infidelity in the dungeon, with onlookers being put in the position of keeping a secret.

This is not to say that it is hopeless or that everyone is doing nonmonogamy badly. Plenty of people make it work. But plenty do not. If you are thinking of having an open relationship, or you have been struggling with some aspect of nonmonogamy, you do not need to go it alone. Take in a class or two at the local dungeon or sex-positive sex toy store. (I will be giving a nonmonogamy skills class at the Citadel in San Francisco on March 27th.) Visit online guides or forums. Pick up a book—Tristan Taormino's Opening Up is probably the best practical guide out there.

Or even better, ask questions here! I have a lifetime of experience with nonmonogamy and I would love to answer your questions.

Some of you are probably thinking that this does not apply to you because you are not polyamorous. But however you identify, you should consider using the skills that polyamorous people have put together. View poly as a kind of toolbox: take what you want, leave the rest. And this is true even if you are monogamous. Nonmonogamy has a way of creeping into relationships in kinky communities. Even going to the dungeon or leather bar is kind of less-than-monogamous, with people getting naked and sexy all around. So it is a good idea to build up some nonmonogamy skills even when monogamous, to avoid being blindsided by issues created via involvement with the BDSM or leather community.

Pepper Mint is a polyamory and BDSM activist, organizer, and social theorist. He hosts the Love Triangle dance club and Poly Speed Dating in the San Francisco Bay Area. He is putting together an awesome nonmonogamy conference in June of 2012, OpenSF, which will have a strong BDSM/Leather presence. You can find his other writings at http://www.freaksexual.com