Bringing up Bondage

How to Go from 'Nilla to Thrilla, Part 1

I've been a bondage instructor for 13 years, and one of the most frequent questions I'm asked is, "How do I tell my partner that I'm interested in trying rope bondage?" Whether you crave being tied up, or you're the one dying to do the tying, raising the question with an established significant other can be a daunting challenge.

Many people suffer through years of keeping their bondage desires secret from their lovers, living their lives in quiet desperation for fear of being disappointed by unrequited interest or judged and rejected by the one they love. Yes, those are realistic concerns, but imagine the resentment of living a life unfulfilled, with an itch you never sought to scratch. Now imagine, instead, the thrill of discovering that you both have shared the same adventurous interests all along!

Here are a few suggestions that can make it easier to rope your partner into your fantasies—and hopefully theirs, too. In the next issues of this zine, we'll further explore how to feel out your partner's interests, and make yours known in a nonthreatening fashion. Finally, we'll explore how to make your inaugural experience one to remember . . . in a good way.

It would be a wonderful thing if we could feel free to reveal our darkest fantasies to the ones we love. Just blurting out an edgy fantasy may work for some people, but even then it requires confidence, sensitive timing, and a willingness to accept that they may not share your desires. Ideally, you wouldn't even begin a committed relationship without knowing the other person shared such a powerful yet potentially volatile interest as bondage.

However, the direct approach may simply be unrealistic for some people. Either they live in a place or maintain a lifestyle that doesn't provide much exposure or opportunity to meet like-dirty-minded people. Some people may feel lucky to have paired with someone who fills other needs of theirs (like financial stability, personality or more significant compatibilities). Also, some people may have met their loving partner long before it occurred to themselves they even had an urge to try something kinky.

So, you need to speak up, but in a way that will work for you. Before you do, there's something you need to know about your interest in bondage. You're not alone. As Psychology Today says, more than one in ten people has experimented with bondage, "...which is most popular among educated, middle- and upper-middle-class men and women, according to psychologists and ethnographers."

Next, learn the ropes. Whether you want to be in front of the knots or behind them, the more you know about bondage before bringing it up, the better. That way you can answer questions about such things as safety. If you want to do the tying, you'll want to arm yourself with a few good skills that will make your first session together a confident, comfortable and impressive experience. If you're hoping to get tied up, it never hurts (in fact, it hurts much less) if you can show your partner a technique or two.

Next month, we'll look at how to gauge your partner's interest, and take things to the next level. Until then, start doing your research! Read up (my book are a good place to start!), look into classes, and start dropping those hints. You never know where they might lead you.