Skindiving: Our Adventures in an Open Relationship

Albert Camus wrote that "the only serious question is whether to kill yourself or not." While his bleak honesty is pondered in philosophy classes worldwide, the guaranteed minefield of life that all of us face in our relationships is perhaps more universally stated by Tom Robbins: "There is only one serious question. And that is: Who knows how to make love stay?"Imagine how our lives would be different if we all carried that secret scratched on paper in our pocket?

Love, for most of us, does not stay as long as our hearts desire. The axiom we face with undeniable biological assurance is that attraction to people other than your partner is inevitable. This is coped with in society in a number of unhealthy ways: lies are uttered, agreements are broken, and some simply repress their needs or interests, dying slowly inside, feeling they cannot have a different existence. In absolute nagging fear many wander, cloaking their fantasies and terrified when partners even speak passionately about another. For many of us, "Traditional" views of commitment form a dull and dismal gray cloud of indifference; monogamy becomes a shadowy and unnerving beast.

There are those of course who rarely feel outward attraction and perhaps may never be sorely tempted to act; considering the staggering divorce rate in the united States, these people are rare and, sadly, often not coupled for long lest they find a companion as unique as themselves. Despite showering one with affection, despite threats, despite poisonous jealousy or "giving them space", many of us have found ourselves feeling abandoned when we seemingly gave everything to the partnership. For some, this sequence of loss creates a bitterness which nearly guarantees the cycle continues in a trail of serial relationships or marriages. The perplexing question of "how to make love stay," turns into a monolith of pain and suffering, obtrusive to the heart and unshakable in every failed love affair.

My girlfriend and I were not immune to the challenges listed above. During our first two years together, we experienced a painful exit from the honeymoon phase and the shattering of illusion. The image of ourselves we presented initially to please one another returned later to haunt us, and the lack of communication during the otherwise bliss of our first months together extracted a steep cost. Yet we held on, deeply in love and knowing there had to be a solution.

In the summer of 2011, my muse and I decided to "open" our relationship. The definition of such a statement varies based on what subculture or group is assigning meaning. Thankfully we needn't debate the semantics — those arguments are all over the Net. The beauty of a healthy open relationship is that the two (or more) people involved get to decide precisely what "open" means, constructing the agreement, adventure, benefits and integrity accordingly.

Our current vision, what we strive for, is summarized as this: we will be authentic with each person in our lives, experiencing what we are meant to in our shared time together. Such an ideal is quite an aspiration I know, and personal to each of us separately in its meaning and application. Arriving at this juncture was not easy; the process took considerable work and began in honest assessment of ourselves, both our wishes as well as our limits. In addition, an underlying foundation was essential: commitment to the health of our relationship takes precedence — always. Indeed, the entire premise of exploring openness, threesome play or the like for us is not only that our relationship comes first, but that such changes or play is precisely what is best for us as a couple. There is a difference, worthy of examination in the writing to come.

This monthly column is an exploration of our process and history; an articulated, linear vision for those who are ready for happier, closer and more fulfilling personal connections. The approach, the challenges, the success and (some) of the adventures will be shared here for our readers. Each release will have a different topic, a facet of our progress or hurdle which you can consider, apply or disregard at will. The potential benefit: our carefully examined experiences will hopefully inspire you to communicate deeply with anyone whom you are sexually invested.

The next installment explores that initial plunge, the skindiving, the first essential steps toward possibility of growth and flexibility in our relationship. Until then, these three printed books are considered invaluable resources and were a catalyst in preparing our emotional landscape for change:

• Opening Up: a Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships By Tristan Taormino. Cleis Press, 2008.
• Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. By Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. Harper Collins Publishers,2010.
• The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and other Adventures 2nd Edition: Updated and Expanded By Donna Easton and Janet W. Hardy. Celestial Arts, 2009.

I look forward to sharing our journey with you, as well as receiving your feedback. Until we dive again.

Mark and Melissa, known as "Locksin" & "Locksinsmuse" on Fetlife, are committed partners from Central California. Together for over three years, they share a bedroom Master/slave and evolving open relationship. Send comments and questions to locksin@kink-e-zine.com