Nice Place to Visit...

I have a conundrum. I work on an exciting kink publication, have friends in many different places within the community, but I've never really been in the community. Oh I have visited. I've been to the Citadel, at two different locations. I attend Dore and Folsom almost every year, but always feeling like a tourist. See I created a label for myself years ago: Kink Adjacent.

What does kink adjacent even mean, you ask? Well it stemmed from my falling out with people at my last visit to the Citadel. I had been a sort of unofficial liaison for the SFSU Queer Alliance and the Citadel, offering to bring interested men to the Citadel for parties and having a couple of kink persons come give demonstrations at the college. It worked well, and allowed my naturally curious self the space to see and learn things that my normal everyday life would never have introduced. It was during that time that I began to realize that I had some desire to experience things labeled kink. So I started playing, letting interested people light me on fire, zap, or flog me. And anything I wanted to try, I could usually find someone willing to show me.

My problem arose as time progressed. While I enjoyed the things I was experiencing, there was nothing sexual about the experience. I enjoyed things mentally and physiologically, but the closest I got to a sexual thrill was when a drop-dead hottie wanted to tie me up and snuggle. As time progressed, I felt pressures from certain people to "just give in" and have sexual components to my kink experience. For me, however, sex is part of a committed monogamous relationship. Further, nothing kills my wood faster than pain. I found less and less people who understood my idea of platonic kink, and that realization ultimately led to me storming away from the Citadel and creating the term kink adjacency.

So the conundrum arises: how can I be a voice in a community where I feel like I have no stake? The answer is, for now, that perhaps I'm not alone in this desire. Perhaps there are others who want to have the experiences that the kink world can offer, without having it become a sexual identity. And maybe there are those who would love to hear from and meet us.