The Newbie Corner

Getting Started, Being Careful

You've attended those classes everyone (including me, last month!) told you to attend, been to your local munches, and now you're ready to do more than get your feet wet. you're ready to really try out this BDSM stuff you've been dreaming of. So . . . what now?

The next step is to overcome any social anxiety, and head out to a public party. You can find out about parties on local fetish sites, on national sites such as FetLife, or in your local alternative papers. In the San Francisco Bay Area, two great locations are the SF Citadel and Mission Control. Both locations offer a variety of "themed" play parties and workshops as well as "open play" opportunities to socialize and experiment in a safe, welcoming environment. What kind of themes? Well, if you think of it, there is likely a party for it, from animal play to youth-oriented events to specialized men's or women's nights.

You can usually find a party happening on Friday and Saturday nights at the Citadel. Mission Control hosts parties most Saturday nights. If you are alone and not extremely social don't worry" both locations are extremely friendly and welcome the chance to show newbies around – and no one will pressure you to participate (if anyone does, both spaces are well monitored by staff who will come to your aid – but this is rarely needed, so don't stress).

Meeting a new play partner, friend with benefits, or casual acquaintance can be difficult or scary. don't be afraid to speak up about what you want and what you don't. Rely on your local BDSM community for support and information – you'll be heartened at how much you'll find. With that said, there are some "red flags," to look out for when exploring and finding a partner.

First, always be on the look out for people who want to pull you away from your friends, family, and everyday life. Second, be hesitant of those who are not active in the local "scene." If they have NEVER been to a BDSM event, class, play party, Folsom, Pride, or so forth, be hesitant. This doesn't mean they are a bad person, it just means be cautious. Fellow newbies can certainly learn together, but some outsiders are that way not because they're new but because they don't want to be part of a community, and that can be a real warning sign.

If you get to the point of actually playing with a person, be sure they're open and honest about negotiation. Negotiating is the most important aspect of playing with someone. It allows an open dialogue about interests, limits, likes, dislikes, and safewords. Safewords are the next in line to keep a look out for. Safewords are important to know and use when playing. It acts as a way for you to communicate that you are in your happy place and/or at your limit. If your partner or person of interest says, "I don't use safewords or safe signals." Walk away and don't play with this person. There are plenty of other people out there who will respect you, and they're worth waiting for.

Have a question you'd like me to cover, or a suggestion for a column topic? Sent it to me at kuriouslove@kink-e-zine.com.